I have decided I am very analytical. I tend to over-analyze things, things that should not even be analyzed from the beginning. I have also decided I am a control freak, which more than likely explains why I analyze things so much. I attempt to control every situation in order to prepare myself for what is to come as well as to keep myself safe from failure as well as pain. However, what I fail to realize everytime I aim to control a situation, the inevitable always happens. This typically is anger toward the individual I am emotionally involved with because I assume they are being one way when in all actuality they are being nowhere near what I believe. I do not trust people even though I make myself believe I really do. I believe I actual convince myself that I trust someone because I ultimately want to be able to, however I don't. I am almost a compulsive liar with myself. I would kiss the feet of the individual that could make me do differently, and I do not like feet.
I fight with every man. Why, I do not know. I hate the way fighting makes me feel, I hate how broken and bruised I feel and how I make the other party feel, yet I can not keep from doing it. Due to my control issue fights break out. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it and fighting is of course one of the many faults I carry. As much as I hate the nausea that sets in when fighting with someone I can not help but do it. It was once explained to me that one day there will be that indvidual that makes me not want to fight and until then I have to cute my losses when necessary. People say I will change when I meet that "one person." My rebuttal to that is, "Does that mean that the person I am today, the person I display is truly not me? Or does this mean that the person I am today will be bettered when in the presence of "the one"?" It is an honest question. I do not want to be someone other than myself. What if I do not like the person "the one" makes me, does that mean he is not "the one" because he did not take me as I am but changed me? Everyone says when you meet that person you will be able to be who you are and will have no need to change. So then how can they contradict themselves and say I will change? See the confusion?
My mind is constantly thinking about anything and everything. I never stick to one idea for a long time, it bores me. Which anyone who knows me notices and then usually questions whether I truly am A.D.D. or not. I wish I had a reason behind why I am the way I am other than it being just the way I am.
Timing....timing is everything. This is have come to learn and know, not understand and not agree with, but accept. When growing up as a child you constantly want to do the next big thing. We can't ever relax and enjoy the years, not until it is too late. We find ourselves wanting to drive sooner, drink, go out, get married, have children all sooner than we need to. In this day and time it is even more socially acceptable to move faster than you honestly should. It is almost as if each new thing you accomplish means you are one step closer to being more mature. To most maturity is power, therefore you strive for it faster and more. That is why you see these young girls wanting to marry their first boyfriend, they are in love with the thought of being in love and "having it all". They fall in love with the thought of responsibility, that is until responsibility comes knocking on the door. Sadly enough most of those girls are not ready to answer. I find myself occassionally slipping to that level. I try to bring myself back, sometimes I do and others I am too late. I have made too many impulsive decisions and I am tired of doing so, however it is quite intriguing.
I am trying my hardest to retreat from the thoughts of negativity toward those indivudals that relationships did not work out with. I am trying to look at the positives and the negatives that were brought into my life because of this person. However I am trying to take those negatives and spin them into something positive. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The reason is most definately not always clear, that is what makes life a mystery and not a breeze. I want to take the negatives that I did, face them and change them. I want to take everything I did wrong and determine what drove me to do so and work on not doing that anymore. Nobody likes a "Negative Nancy" and I have mastered how to be her. Each person is brought to show you what you want in relationships, what you do not want, how to compromise, and how to stand your ground. This is a very important lesson each individual must learn. It is not easy and it is not supposed to be. If discovering yourself was made to be an easy task then everyone in this world would be in perfect Stepford Wives like realtionships. The world would be free of chaos. That is not normal. Someone said it best when they referred to life being like a movie. Some people are meant to be lead characters and others are meant to make guest appearances. Those that make guest appearances teach us most about ourselves once they leave and make their mark, and like they say in theater, "There is no small part." We have to learn to quit looking at hard times and bad relationships as something negative. In each relationship you learn something; you learn about yourself, the world, the sides of you that have never shown before, and the sides of you that you wish would never come out. You learn, and there is nothing negative about learning. We must always try to remember that.
In time all works out and the ultimate plan that was set out for you will be obvious. It is so natural to want everything to fall into place so quickly so you no longer have to live in the "what if?" Live in it, allow it to bother you, it does not mean you are weak it only means you are human. We will never know what truly lies ahead of us it is just a matter of accepting it. Timing is everything and while all things seem to be aligned perfectly without the right timing that means nothing. It is so easy to ruin a good thing due to bad timing. We all need to learn to slow down and enjoy the ride. We will be nauseated, we will cry, we will smile, we will laugh, that is why they refer to life as being a rollercoaster. Much like a real rollercoaster it doesn't last forever, so smile through the nausea, throw those arms up, scream and enjoy the ride.
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