an·i·mos·i·ty

an·i·mos·i·ty
–noun,plural-ties.
a feeling of strong dislike, ill will, or enmity that tends to display itself in action: a deep-seated animosity between two sisters; animosity against one's neighbor.


Animosity…this I tend to express much. I find myself resenting individuals after being wronged. But who is to say only they have done the wronging? There is the saying that Eleanor Roosevelt coined stating “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This I have finally learned to agree with. I once thought it was peoples way of showing how intentionally rude they can be, when really it is my insecurity in myself when around those individuals that allow the other person to make me feel inferior. I am not meaning in the work place or in financial means, I mean as an individual and as a person someone wants to spend time with. I have found myself somewhat throwing a pity party for myself when I feel neglected by someone so they can enjoy the company of another. In all actuality that individual is not better than myself nor is the other individual making me feel inferior, I am allowing myself to feel inferior due to insecurities.

Grudges are another thing I find myself struggling with. I am a person of pride and when I feel my pride has been hindered I tend to be spiteful. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it. I will do anything and everything to let you know I am hurt without you seeing me cry. I will not give you that pleasure but I will indeed try my hardest to make you feel my pain. I tend to rage in a vulgar verbal way. I will say many things I mean and as many things I do not. I will say things without thinking and not mind the repercussion; for some reason I feel as though they almost are worth the words.

I need to learn to cope. To accept. To let go. These are all things I have never been good at and this is where my deepest demons lie. I have trust issues which in turn make me feel as though the person I get closest to will at any given second turn their back on me. I do like most have good reason, I have been cheated on. However, I was the main one doing so. When I feel neglected or rejected by the opposite sex, I tend to latch on to another person of the opposite sex. It is my way of proving I am wanted and building my self-esteem back up. But in turn, all I am really doing is knocking myself further down. I find the wrong men, the ones that will do me wrong, I latch on to them and either cheat on them as well or they hurt me. They simply become another notch on my belt and then another one to hurt me. And I allow it, in fact I create it. I then find myself down on myself because I know what I just forced and allow to happen, and yet I continue to spin the same dangerous web.

I honestly have trust problems. I can not figure out why it is so difficult to trust. Sure I have had things happen in my life that I wish on no one, not even the scum of all scum, but I can not continue to use these things as a crutch for my habits. The sad thing is that I recognize these poor habits, yet do nothing to make them cease. In all actuality I simply make them worse. If only I could figure out a way to be stronger. I do not allow you in so you can not hurt me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I haven’t always, but I recently have attempted to become a more compassionate individual, one that a person could see their selves marrying. I try to be everything everyone wants. I want to be desired.

Bitter and a control freak. Those two words describe me best I think. I do not like my life not being in my control, and let’s face it, I am never in control. I allow emotions to take the wheel while I sit frantically in the passenger seat waiting to crash. Typically I do, hard. So why do I see the error in my ways yet not change? Why do I allow myself to perish? These are million dollar questions that any stranger can answer for me. I however ignore all response. Subconsciously I think I want to be miserable. I think I have some sort of sick and sadistic way of enjoying being miserable. I used to make jokes about not having my day complete until I bitched about something, I think that I almost became like a pathological liar in the sense that I said it so much that I actually make myself believe it.

I have issues. Not ones that a psychologist can diminish. This is one of self-help situations I need to figure out and conquer. Every time I think I am getting better at myself, I do something to flip my world. No wonder most men are terrified to date me. I would be to. I tend to be so cruel when I don’t get my way, which is the Scorpio in me. When I feel attacked I fight with all I have and much like a Scorpio, sting (words) is my only defense. I will do anything and everything to break you down, to make you feel lower than dirt. That is not healthy! One can not be truly happy doing that, and yet I do not know when to stop.