e·mo·tion

e·mo·tion (noun)
an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

If you ask me, the word above is pretty crappy. Sure it has many meanings to it, some nice some not so much. It still is a bucket of crap. Those that experience anger and hatred do not refer to it as “emotions” they refer to it as angry or hatred. However and individual that loves, likes, or has anything positive to do with an individual or object is “emotional.” I loathe the person that calls me emotional. Why can’t I just be joyful or happy? Why do I have to have this big word that is filled with so many possibilities? Not fair.

Apathetic, something I need to learn to be. Growing up I was the Tom-Boy, beat the crap out of every boy and could play any sport better than them as well. Being a hell raiser who was opposite than a Daddy’s Girl taught me to stand my ground, not take crap, and be who I want to be. This caused me to have only guy friends due to my inability to be compassionate toward people who did nothing more than wine about their hair not staying in the ponytail their mother placed it in earlier that morning. That just was not for me. This has been a double-edged sword for me. I have learned to stay strong, yet at the same time I do not know how to show emotion. Let me rephrase that last part, I do not know how to show emotions properly nor well. I will be the most innocent and wonderful person until something strikes a nerve, then its time for you to guard your loins.

I do not know how to ease into a situation, much like my emotions. I am not a trusting individual and you would think this would make me more cautious in situations and cause me to not get involved too quickly. But of course, the female in me naturally has to be a pest and show she is still present, while typically dormant, present. I find myself on that oh so familiar rollercoaster too soon. For someone who can latch on to an individual with such ease you would think the detaching process would be smooth sailing. However, I typically find that process crashing me into the boulders in the water. I would like to point the finger at my father and blame him for being a crappy, unloving, chauvinistic father; that would simply be a lie. He did all he could to make my life as wonderful as possible. Then there is my mother, it would be a sin to attempt to blame anything on that woman. She would give anything for anyone, no questions asked. The problem my dear, the problem simply lies within myself. Some would say I am on the right track, I am not in denial of my issues I have and I recognize I do have problems which need to be addressed. I completely agree with those thoughts, I am on the track, just not the right one. I am on the track that is a toying, aggravating, crappy circle that never fucking ends. See, my M.O. is to understand what needs to be done, yet not do it. I get wrapped up thinking I can play the game I play, yet beat the system, and for any of you that live here in America , you know the system can not be beat. It’s fucking pointless. One way or another your ability to stand above everything else and prevail entirely will never happen. Something, as in someone, will knock you down.

People say, “stand up for yourself,” “be you,” “do what makes you happy.” In this moment that we hear these things we are happy, our spirits are lifted, we believe these are words of encouragement. What fools we are. In reality these words are setting us up for the biggest FAIL we can imagine. These words build us and push us to want to believe in them, and when attempted the reality of assholes knock us back down to the same shit on the bottom of your shoes feeling we were in previously. You see, no one wants someone to stand up for themselves; we want a pushover, someone we can take advantage of and manipulate into what will make us happy. We do not want someone to be themselves with us, sure it all sounds dandy, but really we want someone that we can mold into what we want. That perfect little robot to be, say, do, exactly what WE want. “Do what makes you happy” is the worse of all. People do what they have to in order to make the other person happy all because “making someone else happy makes them happy.” When you do what you have to make someone else happy all to make yourself happy you in turn lose yourself, which defeats the purpose of being your self. And lets not forget now that you have molded yourself to this individuals standards you not only have lost yourself but you are no longer standing up for yourself.

Unfortunately enough though, the truth hurts and that is just the way it will always be. There is no way for an individual to follow all three of those things and not change who they are as a person. Even when in love, we are losing ourselves. As easy as it would be to run from the negativities of a relationship, we can not. Humans can not survive on the necessities alone. Humans need acceptance, for without acceptance we feel no self worth. One day we will all say to hell with these story book romances and give me the real deal, give me pain and give me love for I am ready to face it all. And when that day comes, when you can truly be okay with the good times and the crappy ones to face, then you will truly be happy.

i am an individual who is constantly haunted by the pain of “love” and by the joys of it. However I know I am not strong. One day I will be able to face anything to come, and when that day arrives, I will be fearless.