I have reached it again... the inevitable rut.. I find myself here quite frequently, whether it be associated with work, family, friends, or relationships. It is almost as if I am a toy that is played with so much that it has to be hot-glued and superglued back together to hold a "together" appearance for the new owner. Then shortly whether handeled carefuly or carelessly I become broken again. Surprisingly enough it is not the handler that causes these familiar breaks, I am a self destructing toy. I inflict my own damage.
The pathetic thing is that I notice when I am getting this oh so familiar broken stage and rather than beg for the handler to take to me easy, I allow the play to continue. I do not know why I continue this cycle or why I get to this broken point. It is almost as if it happens with the snap of fingers.
Am I searching for something or someone perfect? Am I just not satisfied with the good things in my life? I am beginning to think I am far more selfish than I have ever been. I will find the smallest flaw in someone, the smallest thing that makes them who they are and I will turn it into something negative and will not be able to break myself away from this.
I constantly compare the new handler to the previous. Whether the previous handler was a horrible one there is always something about them that makes the new one seem so minute. Sad thing is each relationship improves from the previous, yet I still find myself comparing to the shitty one prior to it. Why do I do this? Is is that I can not let go of the past or is it that I cling to the past to try to change myself. When I go through this, "I need to change myself" process I tend to remember what I did wrong in the previous relationship then begin to think if I had only done that one thing different then that person and I could have possibly made it. It is ridiculous to think that way and it is unfair to the poor individual sucked into my circle at that time.
I feel like Clay is in over his head. And lets face it, he is and he has no clue. Sad thing is, I know he is and I am doing nothing to change it. Why you may ask, because I am selfish I answer. I care about him and he is a great guy, a guy I should hang on to. He doesn't make me feel the way I want though. It is not that he does not try or is not capable of doing so, believe me he is a caring and generous person, I just don't have that spark with him anymore. That spark that once brought me to him and tickeled my tummy has now evaporated like water in the summer sun.
Do I need to get out or do I need to stay? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to wade it out and hope it gets better or am I supposed just cut it off?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Purpose...
What is my purpose? You know, in life? Does anyone really know what their purpose is; when and how did they determine this? I would LOVE to be let in on this little secret; it would surely make everything easier for me.
As a child I wanted to be a teacher, always did and then pursued the career in college. When I decided against it there was nothing for me to fall back on. I do not like not having a plan. At first I was okay with jumping around and just working at bars because of the easy cash and fun environment. Now I don’t know what to do. I have always wanted to work with animals, but not as a vet. I don’t want to handle domestic animals. That is why I always wanted to go in the field of Zoology and become a Zoo Keeper. Unfortunately enough the field itself is extremely hard to find a job in due to the need not being there.
I feel like I am almost hitting that “midlife crisis,” but who the hell does this at 22 years old? I don’t know where I stand in my life and feel like I am missing something. I can not figure out what it is I am missing though and it is bothering the hell out of me!!
I have been reading a lot today about this oil spill that happened in the Gulf. I never follow current news; I really should but never do. It bores me and I would rather the cliff-note version from everyone else, it’s more interesting. However, I have been reading about the spill affecting the Marine Life and it breaks my heart. I really would love to go to the coastal areas and help out. I have always wanted to help an animal in need and help get the oil from their bodies and nurture them back to health.
I think I really need to pursue a career in some sort of disaster relief for animals for situations such as these. I am no where near an animal activist so I know I would never conform and would never put down those individuals that debate the subject. I just want to help the animals, as much as I can.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
kar·ma
kar·ma
2. Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.
Vengeance.. Hmmm… strong word. Some would say this is a word of hatred, I would reply that one time or another every human has felt the desire to have this. Have you not been in a situation where someone has hurt you so bad you do not wish to do physical harm to them, you simply wish to break them down as much as you can. This is what I constantly crave. I do not wish to physically harm any individual that crosses me, that would simply be insane. I merely want them to feel as low as they have made me feel, whether I allowed them to make me feel that way or not.
To me there is nothing more damaging to an individual than to break the spirit. My opinion is to do unto others as you wish to have done on to you. Now I may be contradicting myself quite a lot when I say I will break down the individual who makes me feel like crap for trying to be a good person. As a firm believer of Karma, I know I am screwing myself. That there is inevitable.
The more I sit back and think, the more I realize I do nothing more than hurt myself every time I try to hurt an individual. I really believe I have an issue with negativity. When someone makes me feel like crap, especially when I feel I have done nothing wrong, I want nothing more than for them to perish, however not physically, as I said before I am not psychotic. To me it is just a horrible thing to allow someone to get away with being such a bastard. There are people in this world who do nothing than shit on the good people. Sure some good people are clingy and out the box, but it is because society and failed relationships have made them that way. They are out the box because they feel normalcy is not for them and they are clingy because they have never truly known anything to be real and to be able to hold on to it. So those individuals who walk around all smug as if they have every thing going for them deserve to be spit in the face. No one person is better than another, some are more privileged and have more going for them in their future, but this does not mean they are a better person. Education and wealth does not define a person; determination and personality defines a person. You just have to figure out where you stand in the dictionary. Do you stand as Bastard Who Holds His Head Too High, or Person Who Recognizes Self Worth and Strives to Always Be Happy? I would rather be broke, loved, and happy that rich, lonely, and arrogant.
Let’s get back to Karma here… Karma is the ruler of everything… regardless of what anyone says nor thinks, Karma is the true decider of all. Sure there is fait and there is destiny, but Karma determines whether the trip to your destiny will be a happy one or a negative one.. so in all actuality if you think about it, we as the individual actually somewhat control our destiny. Not to full extent, but we somewhat do. We control whether we will live in a hell on Earth or have smooth sailing.
2. Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.
Vengeance.. Hmmm… strong word. Some would say this is a word of hatred, I would reply that one time or another every human has felt the desire to have this. Have you not been in a situation where someone has hurt you so bad you do not wish to do physical harm to them, you simply wish to break them down as much as you can. This is what I constantly crave. I do not wish to physically harm any individual that crosses me, that would simply be insane. I merely want them to feel as low as they have made me feel, whether I allowed them to make me feel that way or not.
To me there is nothing more damaging to an individual than to break the spirit. My opinion is to do unto others as you wish to have done on to you. Now I may be contradicting myself quite a lot when I say I will break down the individual who makes me feel like crap for trying to be a good person. As a firm believer of Karma, I know I am screwing myself. That there is inevitable.
The more I sit back and think, the more I realize I do nothing more than hurt myself every time I try to hurt an individual. I really believe I have an issue with negativity. When someone makes me feel like crap, especially when I feel I have done nothing wrong, I want nothing more than for them to perish, however not physically, as I said before I am not psychotic. To me it is just a horrible thing to allow someone to get away with being such a bastard. There are people in this world who do nothing than shit on the good people. Sure some good people are clingy and out the box, but it is because society and failed relationships have made them that way. They are out the box because they feel normalcy is not for them and they are clingy because they have never truly known anything to be real and to be able to hold on to it. So those individuals who walk around all smug as if they have every thing going for them deserve to be spit in the face. No one person is better than another, some are more privileged and have more going for them in their future, but this does not mean they are a better person. Education and wealth does not define a person; determination and personality defines a person. You just have to figure out where you stand in the dictionary. Do you stand as Bastard Who Holds His Head Too High, or Person Who Recognizes Self Worth and Strives to Always Be Happy? I would rather be broke, loved, and happy that rich, lonely, and arrogant.
Let’s get back to Karma here… Karma is the ruler of everything… regardless of what anyone says nor thinks, Karma is the true decider of all. Sure there is fait and there is destiny, but Karma determines whether the trip to your destiny will be a happy one or a negative one.. so in all actuality if you think about it, we as the individual actually somewhat control our destiny. Not to full extent, but we somewhat do. We control whether we will live in a hell on Earth or have smooth sailing.
Monday, May 10, 2010
an·i·mos·i·ty
an·i·mos·i·ty
–noun,plural-ties.
a feeling of strong dislike, ill will, or enmity that tends to display itself in action: a deep-seated animosity between two sisters; animosity against one's neighbor.
Animosity…this I tend to express much. I find myself resenting individuals after being wronged. But who is to say only they have done the wronging? There is the saying that Eleanor Roosevelt coined stating “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This I have finally learned to agree with. I once thought it was peoples way of showing how intentionally rude they can be, when really it is my insecurity in myself when around those individuals that allow the other person to make me feel inferior. I am not meaning in the work place or in financial means, I mean as an individual and as a person someone wants to spend time with. I have found myself somewhat throwing a pity party for myself when I feel neglected by someone so they can enjoy the company of another. In all actuality that individual is not better than myself nor is the other individual making me feel inferior, I am allowing myself to feel inferior due to insecurities.
Grudges are another thing I find myself struggling with. I am a person of pride and when I feel my pride has been hindered I tend to be spiteful. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it. I will do anything and everything to let you know I am hurt without you seeing me cry. I will not give you that pleasure but I will indeed try my hardest to make you feel my pain. I tend to rage in a vulgar verbal way. I will say many things I mean and as many things I do not. I will say things without thinking and not mind the repercussion; for some reason I feel as though they almost are worth the words.
I need to learn to cope. To accept. To let go. These are all things I have never been good at and this is where my deepest demons lie. I have trust issues which in turn make me feel as though the person I get closest to will at any given second turn their back on me. I do like most have good reason, I have been cheated on. However, I was the main one doing so. When I feel neglected or rejected by the opposite sex, I tend to latch on to another person of the opposite sex. It is my way of proving I am wanted and building my self-esteem back up. But in turn, all I am really doing is knocking myself further down. I find the wrong men, the ones that will do me wrong, I latch on to them and either cheat on them as well or they hurt me. They simply become another notch on my belt and then another one to hurt me. And I allow it, in fact I create it. I then find myself down on myself because I know what I just forced and allow to happen, and yet I continue to spin the same dangerous web.
I honestly have trust problems. I can not figure out why it is so difficult to trust. Sure I have had things happen in my life that I wish on no one, not even the scum of all scum, but I can not continue to use these things as a crutch for my habits. The sad thing is that I recognize these poor habits, yet do nothing to make them cease. In all actuality I simply make them worse. If only I could figure out a way to be stronger. I do not allow you in so you can not hurt me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I haven’t always, but I recently have attempted to become a more compassionate individual, one that a person could see their selves marrying. I try to be everything everyone wants. I want to be desired.
Bitter and a control freak. Those two words describe me best I think. I do not like my life not being in my control, and let’s face it, I am never in control. I allow emotions to take the wheel while I sit frantically in the passenger seat waiting to crash. Typically I do, hard. So why do I see the error in my ways yet not change? Why do I allow myself to perish? These are million dollar questions that any stranger can answer for me. I however ignore all response. Subconsciously I think I want to be miserable. I think I have some sort of sick and sadistic way of enjoying being miserable. I used to make jokes about not having my day complete until I bitched about something, I think that I almost became like a pathological liar in the sense that I said it so much that I actually make myself believe it.
I have issues. Not ones that a psychologist can diminish. This is one of self-help situations I need to figure out and conquer. Every time I think I am getting better at myself, I do something to flip my world. No wonder most men are terrified to date me. I would be to. I tend to be so cruel when I don’t get my way, which is the Scorpio in me. When I feel attacked I fight with all I have and much like a Scorpio, sting (words) is my only defense. I will do anything and everything to break you down, to make you feel lower than dirt. That is not healthy! One can not be truly happy doing that, and yet I do not know when to stop.
–noun,plural-ties.
a feeling of strong dislike, ill will, or enmity that tends to display itself in action: a deep-seated animosity between two sisters; animosity against one's neighbor.
Animosity…this I tend to express much. I find myself resenting individuals after being wronged. But who is to say only they have done the wronging? There is the saying that Eleanor Roosevelt coined stating “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This I have finally learned to agree with. I once thought it was peoples way of showing how intentionally rude they can be, when really it is my insecurity in myself when around those individuals that allow the other person to make me feel inferior. I am not meaning in the work place or in financial means, I mean as an individual and as a person someone wants to spend time with. I have found myself somewhat throwing a pity party for myself when I feel neglected by someone so they can enjoy the company of another. In all actuality that individual is not better than myself nor is the other individual making me feel inferior, I am allowing myself to feel inferior due to insecurities.
Grudges are another thing I find myself struggling with. I am a person of pride and when I feel my pride has been hindered I tend to be spiteful. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it. I will do anything and everything to let you know I am hurt without you seeing me cry. I will not give you that pleasure but I will indeed try my hardest to make you feel my pain. I tend to rage in a vulgar verbal way. I will say many things I mean and as many things I do not. I will say things without thinking and not mind the repercussion; for some reason I feel as though they almost are worth the words.
I need to learn to cope. To accept. To let go. These are all things I have never been good at and this is where my deepest demons lie. I have trust issues which in turn make me feel as though the person I get closest to will at any given second turn their back on me. I do like most have good reason, I have been cheated on. However, I was the main one doing so. When I feel neglected or rejected by the opposite sex, I tend to latch on to another person of the opposite sex. It is my way of proving I am wanted and building my self-esteem back up. But in turn, all I am really doing is knocking myself further down. I find the wrong men, the ones that will do me wrong, I latch on to them and either cheat on them as well or they hurt me. They simply become another notch on my belt and then another one to hurt me. And I allow it, in fact I create it. I then find myself down on myself because I know what I just forced and allow to happen, and yet I continue to spin the same dangerous web.
I honestly have trust problems. I can not figure out why it is so difficult to trust. Sure I have had things happen in my life that I wish on no one, not even the scum of all scum, but I can not continue to use these things as a crutch for my habits. The sad thing is that I recognize these poor habits, yet do nothing to make them cease. In all actuality I simply make them worse. If only I could figure out a way to be stronger. I do not allow you in so you can not hurt me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I haven’t always, but I recently have attempted to become a more compassionate individual, one that a person could see their selves marrying. I try to be everything everyone wants. I want to be desired.
Bitter and a control freak. Those two words describe me best I think. I do not like my life not being in my control, and let’s face it, I am never in control. I allow emotions to take the wheel while I sit frantically in the passenger seat waiting to crash. Typically I do, hard. So why do I see the error in my ways yet not change? Why do I allow myself to perish? These are million dollar questions that any stranger can answer for me. I however ignore all response. Subconsciously I think I want to be miserable. I think I have some sort of sick and sadistic way of enjoying being miserable. I used to make jokes about not having my day complete until I bitched about something, I think that I almost became like a pathological liar in the sense that I said it so much that I actually make myself believe it.
I have issues. Not ones that a psychologist can diminish. This is one of self-help situations I need to figure out and conquer. Every time I think I am getting better at myself, I do something to flip my world. No wonder most men are terrified to date me. I would be to. I tend to be so cruel when I don’t get my way, which is the Scorpio in me. When I feel attacked I fight with all I have and much like a Scorpio, sting (words) is my only defense. I will do anything and everything to break you down, to make you feel lower than dirt. That is not healthy! One can not be truly happy doing that, and yet I do not know when to stop.
e·mo·tion
e·mo·tion (noun)
an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.
If you ask me, the word above is pretty crappy. Sure it has many meanings to it, some nice some not so much. It still is a bucket of crap. Those that experience anger and hatred do not refer to it as “emotions” they refer to it as angry or hatred. However and individual that loves, likes, or has anything positive to do with an individual or object is “emotional.” I loathe the person that calls me emotional. Why can’t I just be joyful or happy? Why do I have to have this big word that is filled with so many possibilities? Not fair.
Apathetic, something I need to learn to be. Growing up I was the Tom-Boy, beat the crap out of every boy and could play any sport better than them as well. Being a hell raiser who was opposite than a Daddy’s Girl taught me to stand my ground, not take crap, and be who I want to be. This caused me to have only guy friends due to my inability to be compassionate toward people who did nothing more than wine about their hair not staying in the ponytail their mother placed it in earlier that morning. That just was not for me. This has been a double-edged sword for me. I have learned to stay strong, yet at the same time I do not know how to show emotion. Let me rephrase that last part, I do not know how to show emotions properly nor well. I will be the most innocent and wonderful person until something strikes a nerve, then its time for you to guard your loins.
I do not know how to ease into a situation, much like my emotions. I am not a trusting individual and you would think this would make me more cautious in situations and cause me to not get involved too quickly. But of course, the female in me naturally has to be a pest and show she is still present, while typically dormant, present. I find myself on that oh so familiar rollercoaster too soon. For someone who can latch on to an individual with such ease you would think the detaching process would be smooth sailing. However, I typically find that process crashing me into the boulders in the water. I would like to point the finger at my father and blame him for being a crappy, unloving, chauvinistic father; that would simply be a lie. He did all he could to make my life as wonderful as possible. Then there is my mother, it would be a sin to attempt to blame anything on that woman. She would give anything for anyone, no questions asked. The problem my dear, the problem simply lies within myself. Some would say I am on the right track, I am not in denial of my issues I have and I recognize I do have problems which need to be addressed. I completely agree with those thoughts, I am on the track, just not the right one. I am on the track that is a toying, aggravating, crappy circle that never fucking ends. See, my M.O. is to understand what needs to be done, yet not do it. I get wrapped up thinking I can play the game I play, yet beat the system, and for any of you that live here in America , you know the system can not be beat. It’s fucking pointless. One way or another your ability to stand above everything else and prevail entirely will never happen. Something, as in someone, will knock you down.
People say, “stand up for yourself,” “be you,” “do what makes you happy.” In this moment that we hear these things we are happy, our spirits are lifted, we believe these are words of encouragement. What fools we are. In reality these words are setting us up for the biggest FAIL we can imagine. These words build us and push us to want to believe in them, and when attempted the reality of assholes knock us back down to the same shit on the bottom of your shoes feeling we were in previously. You see, no one wants someone to stand up for themselves; we want a pushover, someone we can take advantage of and manipulate into what will make us happy. We do not want someone to be themselves with us, sure it all sounds dandy, but really we want someone that we can mold into what we want. That perfect little robot to be, say, do, exactly what WE want. “Do what makes you happy” is the worse of all. People do what they have to in order to make the other person happy all because “making someone else happy makes them happy.” When you do what you have to make someone else happy all to make yourself happy you in turn lose yourself, which defeats the purpose of being your self. And lets not forget now that you have molded yourself to this individuals standards you not only have lost yourself but you are no longer standing up for yourself.
Unfortunately enough though, the truth hurts and that is just the way it will always be. There is no way for an individual to follow all three of those things and not change who they are as a person. Even when in love, we are losing ourselves. As easy as it would be to run from the negativities of a relationship, we can not. Humans can not survive on the necessities alone. Humans need acceptance, for without acceptance we feel no self worth. One day we will all say to hell with these story book romances and give me the real deal, give me pain and give me love for I am ready to face it all. And when that day comes, when you can truly be okay with the good times and the crappy ones to face, then you will truly be happy.
i am an individual who is constantly haunted by the pain of “love” and by the joys of it. However I know I am not strong. One day I will be able to face anything to come, and when that day arrives, I will be fearless.
an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.
If you ask me, the word above is pretty crappy. Sure it has many meanings to it, some nice some not so much. It still is a bucket of crap. Those that experience anger and hatred do not refer to it as “emotions” they refer to it as angry or hatred. However and individual that loves, likes, or has anything positive to do with an individual or object is “emotional.” I loathe the person that calls me emotional. Why can’t I just be joyful or happy? Why do I have to have this big word that is filled with so many possibilities? Not fair.
Apathetic, something I need to learn to be. Growing up I was the Tom-Boy, beat the crap out of every boy and could play any sport better than them as well. Being a hell raiser who was opposite than a Daddy’s Girl taught me to stand my ground, not take crap, and be who I want to be. This caused me to have only guy friends due to my inability to be compassionate toward people who did nothing more than wine about their hair not staying in the ponytail their mother placed it in earlier that morning. That just was not for me. This has been a double-edged sword for me. I have learned to stay strong, yet at the same time I do not know how to show emotion. Let me rephrase that last part, I do not know how to show emotions properly nor well. I will be the most innocent and wonderful person until something strikes a nerve, then its time for you to guard your loins.
I do not know how to ease into a situation, much like my emotions. I am not a trusting individual and you would think this would make me more cautious in situations and cause me to not get involved too quickly. But of course, the female in me naturally has to be a pest and show she is still present, while typically dormant, present. I find myself on that oh so familiar rollercoaster too soon. For someone who can latch on to an individual with such ease you would think the detaching process would be smooth sailing. However, I typically find that process crashing me into the boulders in the water. I would like to point the finger at my father and blame him for being a crappy, unloving, chauvinistic father; that would simply be a lie. He did all he could to make my life as wonderful as possible. Then there is my mother, it would be a sin to attempt to blame anything on that woman. She would give anything for anyone, no questions asked. The problem my dear, the problem simply lies within myself. Some would say I am on the right track, I am not in denial of my issues I have and I recognize I do have problems which need to be addressed. I completely agree with those thoughts, I am on the track, just not the right one. I am on the track that is a toying, aggravating, crappy circle that never fucking ends. See, my M.O. is to understand what needs to be done, yet not do it. I get wrapped up thinking I can play the game I play, yet beat the system, and for any of you that live here in America , you know the system can not be beat. It’s fucking pointless. One way or another your ability to stand above everything else and prevail entirely will never happen. Something, as in someone, will knock you down.
People say, “stand up for yourself,” “be you,” “do what makes you happy.” In this moment that we hear these things we are happy, our spirits are lifted, we believe these are words of encouragement. What fools we are. In reality these words are setting us up for the biggest FAIL we can imagine. These words build us and push us to want to believe in them, and when attempted the reality of assholes knock us back down to the same shit on the bottom of your shoes feeling we were in previously. You see, no one wants someone to stand up for themselves; we want a pushover, someone we can take advantage of and manipulate into what will make us happy. We do not want someone to be themselves with us, sure it all sounds dandy, but really we want someone that we can mold into what we want. That perfect little robot to be, say, do, exactly what WE want. “Do what makes you happy” is the worse of all. People do what they have to in order to make the other person happy all because “making someone else happy makes them happy.” When you do what you have to make someone else happy all to make yourself happy you in turn lose yourself, which defeats the purpose of being your self. And lets not forget now that you have molded yourself to this individuals standards you not only have lost yourself but you are no longer standing up for yourself.
Unfortunately enough though, the truth hurts and that is just the way it will always be. There is no way for an individual to follow all three of those things and not change who they are as a person. Even when in love, we are losing ourselves. As easy as it would be to run from the negativities of a relationship, we can not. Humans can not survive on the necessities alone. Humans need acceptance, for without acceptance we feel no self worth. One day we will all say to hell with these story book romances and give me the real deal, give me pain and give me love for I am ready to face it all. And when that day comes, when you can truly be okay with the good times and the crappy ones to face, then you will truly be happy.
i am an individual who is constantly haunted by the pain of “love” and by the joys of it. However I know I am not strong. One day I will be able to face anything to come, and when that day arrives, I will be fearless.
Timing....
I have come to the conclusion that a misconception is that we control our lives. In a sense we do, but there are many more factors that we have no control of, such as timing. Whether you want to admit it or not, timing is inevitably everything. All things can be in perfect order, but at the wrong time this “perfection” means nothing. Those that forget timing controls more than they think typically fall. They fall flat on their face and usually find themselves regretting their decisions. We have to understand that with time things fall into place they way they should, maybe a little at a time, but everything has its own place and needs to be given the proper time. Not all things can be rushed and this unfortunately enough is not accepted with ease. We grow up being hurried. Hurried to drive, hurried to drink, hurried to graduate college, hurried to marry, and hurried to have children. It is in our nature to want things to happen quickly, because we are impatient. We are creatures of control, when we have control we can conquer anything, take control away and we feel as though we have nothing. We can not adapt when we are not in control. It takes a lot to be able to slow down and take things for as they are and the way they come, for someone to actually be able to do so is where the true control lies.
Take people for instance, people are brought in and out of your life in certain times to teach you certain things. They teach you things about life, morals, standards, the nature of others, and most importantly; yourself. Not each person brought in your life is meant to stay there; they are merely teachers of your many lessons to learn. Most that do not remain in your life is due to negative attributes they have displayed or adverse circumstances. However, it is how you chose to view these bystanders that matters the most. While the natural instinct is to shun these individuals and associate them with none other than negative emotions we really need to look at the impact they have made. While things may have concluded negatively we have to consider that we still learned something from them; whether it is a way to better yourself as a person or what you do not wish to be like. Either way you have learned something from this person and learning is nothing close to negative.
Take people for instance, people are brought in and out of your life in certain times to teach you certain things. They teach you things about life, morals, standards, the nature of others, and most importantly; yourself. Not each person brought in your life is meant to stay there; they are merely teachers of your many lessons to learn. Most that do not remain in your life is due to negative attributes they have displayed or adverse circumstances. However, it is how you chose to view these bystanders that matters the most. While the natural instinct is to shun these individuals and associate them with none other than negative emotions we really need to look at the impact they have made. While things may have concluded negatively we have to consider that we still learned something from them; whether it is a way to better yourself as a person or what you do not wish to be like. Either way you have learned something from this person and learning is nothing close to negative.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Random thoughts at work..
I have decided I am very analytical. I tend to over-analyze things, things that should not even be analyzed from the beginning. I have also decided I am a control freak, which more than likely explains why I analyze things so much. I attempt to control every situation in order to prepare myself for what is to come as well as to keep myself safe from failure as well as pain. However, what I fail to realize everytime I aim to control a situation, the inevitable always happens. This typically is anger toward the individual I am emotionally involved with because I assume they are being one way when in all actuality they are being nowhere near what I believe. I do not trust people even though I make myself believe I really do. I believe I actual convince myself that I trust someone because I ultimately want to be able to, however I don't. I am almost a compulsive liar with myself. I would kiss the feet of the individual that could make me do differently, and I do not like feet.
I fight with every man. Why, I do not know. I hate the way fighting makes me feel, I hate how broken and bruised I feel and how I make the other party feel, yet I can not keep from doing it. Due to my control issue fights break out. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it and fighting is of course one of the many faults I carry. As much as I hate the nausea that sets in when fighting with someone I can not help but do it. It was once explained to me that one day there will be that indvidual that makes me not want to fight and until then I have to cute my losses when necessary. People say I will change when I meet that "one person." My rebuttal to that is, "Does that mean that the person I am today, the person I display is truly not me? Or does this mean that the person I am today will be bettered when in the presence of "the one"?" It is an honest question. I do not want to be someone other than myself. What if I do not like the person "the one" makes me, does that mean he is not "the one" because he did not take me as I am but changed me? Everyone says when you meet that person you will be able to be who you are and will have no need to change. So then how can they contradict themselves and say I will change? See the confusion?
My mind is constantly thinking about anything and everything. I never stick to one idea for a long time, it bores me. Which anyone who knows me notices and then usually questions whether I truly am A.D.D. or not. I wish I had a reason behind why I am the way I am other than it being just the way I am.
Timing....timing is everything. This is have come to learn and know, not understand and not agree with, but accept. When growing up as a child you constantly want to do the next big thing. We can't ever relax and enjoy the years, not until it is too late. We find ourselves wanting to drive sooner, drink, go out, get married, have children all sooner than we need to. In this day and time it is even more socially acceptable to move faster than you honestly should. It is almost as if each new thing you accomplish means you are one step closer to being more mature. To most maturity is power, therefore you strive for it faster and more. That is why you see these young girls wanting to marry their first boyfriend, they are in love with the thought of being in love and "having it all". They fall in love with the thought of responsibility, that is until responsibility comes knocking on the door. Sadly enough most of those girls are not ready to answer. I find myself occassionally slipping to that level. I try to bring myself back, sometimes I do and others I am too late. I have made too many impulsive decisions and I am tired of doing so, however it is quite intriguing.
I am trying my hardest to retreat from the thoughts of negativity toward those indivudals that relationships did not work out with. I am trying to look at the positives and the negatives that were brought into my life because of this person. However I am trying to take those negatives and spin them into something positive. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The reason is most definately not always clear, that is what makes life a mystery and not a breeze. I want to take the negatives that I did, face them and change them. I want to take everything I did wrong and determine what drove me to do so and work on not doing that anymore. Nobody likes a "Negative Nancy" and I have mastered how to be her. Each person is brought to show you what you want in relationships, what you do not want, how to compromise, and how to stand your ground. This is a very important lesson each individual must learn. It is not easy and it is not supposed to be. If discovering yourself was made to be an easy task then everyone in this world would be in perfect Stepford Wives like realtionships. The world would be free of chaos. That is not normal. Someone said it best when they referred to life being like a movie. Some people are meant to be lead characters and others are meant to make guest appearances. Those that make guest appearances teach us most about ourselves once they leave and make their mark, and like they say in theater, "There is no small part." We have to learn to quit looking at hard times and bad relationships as something negative. In each relationship you learn something; you learn about yourself, the world, the sides of you that have never shown before, and the sides of you that you wish would never come out. You learn, and there is nothing negative about learning. We must always try to remember that.
In time all works out and the ultimate plan that was set out for you will be obvious. It is so natural to want everything to fall into place so quickly so you no longer have to live in the "what if?" Live in it, allow it to bother you, it does not mean you are weak it only means you are human. We will never know what truly lies ahead of us it is just a matter of accepting it. Timing is everything and while all things seem to be aligned perfectly without the right timing that means nothing. It is so easy to ruin a good thing due to bad timing. We all need to learn to slow down and enjoy the ride. We will be nauseated, we will cry, we will smile, we will laugh, that is why they refer to life as being a rollercoaster. Much like a real rollercoaster it doesn't last forever, so smile through the nausea, throw those arms up, scream and enjoy the ride.
I fight with every man. Why, I do not know. I hate the way fighting makes me feel, I hate how broken and bruised I feel and how I make the other party feel, yet I can not keep from doing it. Due to my control issue fights break out. I am a Scorpio and everything that comes with it and fighting is of course one of the many faults I carry. As much as I hate the nausea that sets in when fighting with someone I can not help but do it. It was once explained to me that one day there will be that indvidual that makes me not want to fight and until then I have to cute my losses when necessary. People say I will change when I meet that "one person." My rebuttal to that is, "Does that mean that the person I am today, the person I display is truly not me? Or does this mean that the person I am today will be bettered when in the presence of "the one"?" It is an honest question. I do not want to be someone other than myself. What if I do not like the person "the one" makes me, does that mean he is not "the one" because he did not take me as I am but changed me? Everyone says when you meet that person you will be able to be who you are and will have no need to change. So then how can they contradict themselves and say I will change? See the confusion?
My mind is constantly thinking about anything and everything. I never stick to one idea for a long time, it bores me. Which anyone who knows me notices and then usually questions whether I truly am A.D.D. or not. I wish I had a reason behind why I am the way I am other than it being just the way I am.
Timing....timing is everything. This is have come to learn and know, not understand and not agree with, but accept. When growing up as a child you constantly want to do the next big thing. We can't ever relax and enjoy the years, not until it is too late. We find ourselves wanting to drive sooner, drink, go out, get married, have children all sooner than we need to. In this day and time it is even more socially acceptable to move faster than you honestly should. It is almost as if each new thing you accomplish means you are one step closer to being more mature. To most maturity is power, therefore you strive for it faster and more. That is why you see these young girls wanting to marry their first boyfriend, they are in love with the thought of being in love and "having it all". They fall in love with the thought of responsibility, that is until responsibility comes knocking on the door. Sadly enough most of those girls are not ready to answer. I find myself occassionally slipping to that level. I try to bring myself back, sometimes I do and others I am too late. I have made too many impulsive decisions and I am tired of doing so, however it is quite intriguing.
I am trying my hardest to retreat from the thoughts of negativity toward those indivudals that relationships did not work out with. I am trying to look at the positives and the negatives that were brought into my life because of this person. However I am trying to take those negatives and spin them into something positive. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The reason is most definately not always clear, that is what makes life a mystery and not a breeze. I want to take the negatives that I did, face them and change them. I want to take everything I did wrong and determine what drove me to do so and work on not doing that anymore. Nobody likes a "Negative Nancy" and I have mastered how to be her. Each person is brought to show you what you want in relationships, what you do not want, how to compromise, and how to stand your ground. This is a very important lesson each individual must learn. It is not easy and it is not supposed to be. If discovering yourself was made to be an easy task then everyone in this world would be in perfect Stepford Wives like realtionships. The world would be free of chaos. That is not normal. Someone said it best when they referred to life being like a movie. Some people are meant to be lead characters and others are meant to make guest appearances. Those that make guest appearances teach us most about ourselves once they leave and make their mark, and like they say in theater, "There is no small part." We have to learn to quit looking at hard times and bad relationships as something negative. In each relationship you learn something; you learn about yourself, the world, the sides of you that have never shown before, and the sides of you that you wish would never come out. You learn, and there is nothing negative about learning. We must always try to remember that.
In time all works out and the ultimate plan that was set out for you will be obvious. It is so natural to want everything to fall into place so quickly so you no longer have to live in the "what if?" Live in it, allow it to bother you, it does not mean you are weak it only means you are human. We will never know what truly lies ahead of us it is just a matter of accepting it. Timing is everything and while all things seem to be aligned perfectly without the right timing that means nothing. It is so easy to ruin a good thing due to bad timing. We all need to learn to slow down and enjoy the ride. We will be nauseated, we will cry, we will smile, we will laugh, that is why they refer to life as being a rollercoaster. Much like a real rollercoaster it doesn't last forever, so smile through the nausea, throw those arms up, scream and enjoy the ride.
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