The Inevitable Rut......

I have reached it again... the inevitable rut.. I find myself here quite frequently, whether it be associated with work, family, friends, or relationships. It is almost as if I am a toy that is played with so much that it has to be hot-glued and superglued back together to hold a "together" appearance for the new owner. Then shortly whether handeled carefuly or carelessly I become broken again. Surprisingly enough it is not the handler that causes these familiar breaks, I am a self destructing toy. I inflict my own damage.

The pathetic thing is that I notice when I am getting this oh so familiar broken stage and rather than beg for the handler to take to me easy, I allow the play to continue. I do not know why I continue this cycle or why I get to this broken point. It is almost as if it happens with the snap of fingers.

Am I searching for something or someone perfect? Am I just not satisfied with the good things in my life? I am beginning to think I am far more selfish than I have ever been. I will find the smallest flaw in someone, the smallest thing that makes them who they are and I will turn it into something negative and will not be able to break myself away from this.

I constantly compare the new handler to the previous. Whether the previous handler was a horrible one there is always something about them that makes the new one seem so minute. Sad thing is each relationship improves from the previous, yet I still find myself comparing to the shitty one prior to it. Why do I do this? Is is that I can not let go of the past or is it that I cling to the past to try to change myself. When I go through this, "I need to change myself" process I tend to remember what I did wrong in the previous relationship then begin to think if I had only done that one thing different then that person and I could have possibly made it. It is ridiculous to think that way and it is unfair to the poor individual sucked into my circle at that time.

I feel like Clay is in over his head. And lets face it, he is and he has no clue. Sad thing is, I know he is and I am doing nothing to change it. Why you may ask, because I am selfish I answer. I care about him and he is a great guy, a guy I should hang on to. He doesn't make me feel the way I want though. It is not that he does not try or is not capable of doing so, believe me he is a caring and generous person, I just don't have that spark with him anymore. That spark that once brought me to him and tickeled my tummy has now evaporated like water in the summer sun.

Do I need to get out or do I need to stay? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to wade it out and hope it gets better or am I supposed just cut it off?